moon love

(or: teaching how to forget to love)

I’ve been playing a game lately. I’m going to write my thoughts on it when it’s done; normally when I play a game I tend to devour every emotion and place packaged in, but Moon demands different. The game is about playing video games, and the kinds of people that games try to make us. Games were often compared to skinner boxes rather than art exhibits. I’m sure there is a whole, beautiful art to installation design in museums, but the cold hard facts state that there is nothing stopping anyone from skimming past any piece they may choose. I like good landscapes and despise bad ones of mechanical skill- no modern layout design can possibly make me stop and consider a tasteless view of a venetian city. Despite the fact that games are one of the other few artforms that are self paced, developers do all they can to ensure a game reveals itself to the player in a way that would make a Hollywood scriptwriter cream their pants.

moon instead opts to hide itself- it presents a plot that is not unfurled or started by the protagonist and will frustrate the player if they are “looking for the next cutscene.” Once you do enough nice things for people, you can afford to follow people around throughout the week and see what they’re up to while the “hero” gallivants around slaying Claymation fantasy animals. You do nice things for others without saying much, and if you pay attention you might find more nice things to do for others.

I quit my job recently. I quit my career actually. I’ve never considered myself very often- when you only tolerate yourself its hard to ignore the fact that by basic math everyone else is more important than you (and to you). Teaching was a sort of masochistic self harm- help be slightly less shitty to a bunch of hardworking 14 year olds and try and take pride that you actually do your damn job and understand the severity of it. Maybe someday you’ll get tired, maybe someday you’ll give up, and maybe someday someone will shoot you in the head and that’ll give you an excuse to not teach anymore. Don’t get me wrong- teachers are TOTALLY cops and reinforce a LOT of our problems, but I don’t really think they (or me for that matter) deserve to get shot in the head. Kicked for some of them, sure.

And I was(kicked), quite a bit in fact. Not everyone knows this, but most hate is disguised and perpetrated in the name of love. Teachers and Admin do this all the time- everyone loves their kids so godamn much and also find a way to base their empathy around how much a kid is willing to “responsibly” fill out glorified paperwork. To prevent the career ending head wound from being self-inflicted, most love to self flagellate their own ability and how much of the world they’re saving by forcing their batch of 14 year olds thru structured kindergarten. I had the misfortune of having a boss who pretended to teach a class, and who would force staff to visit his class and write emails as part of his school’s “excellent and frequent professional development.” At the time, I was being pushed out of the school for supporting the union, and being the obvious square peg in a round hole was not helping.

I quit. I found a new career I was somehow LESS unqualified for and never looked back. Teaching almost drained me, and almost killed me.

I’m no longer tired. I want to love again but teaching nearly took my ability to love others without barfing at word like “selfless”, “nurturing”, “loving”, and “hero”. I already had issues believing anyone could love me, now I’m not even sure how anyone loves anyone. Everything is a system, and everyone is figuring it out, and everyone is trying to make it “better,” and everyone is the hero in their own movie, and everyone is trying to coexist with all the other leading stars.

Typing this I know the answer and the problem it’s going to always pose: I want to love, and I’m not sure I can be loved (or want to be even). To love someone is to know them, and I want to love everyone. I can’t get that little game out of my head for that reason- you don’t win favors or love by doing nice things, those things are love. Normally, when I play games that resonate and mean something to me I can’t help but absorb and devour every emotion, every scene from it immediately.

I’m playing moon every once and a while so I can love it for as long as I can.